Too Stressed to Dream: When the Overwhelm of Life Keeps You Stuck

Is the stress of your current life keeping you from achieving what you really want?

Where do you want your life to go?  For many smart, ambitious women, big goals and dreams have always been a key part of their life.  Whether it’s the next promotion, creating a world-changing business, meeting the right partner, or jumping into a real estate venture, ambitious women know how to dream big.  But what about when those dreams start to feel impossible?  What about when the stress of what you are dealing with right now leaves zero room for the dreams that truly matter to you?

When asked about where she wants to be in 5 years, Michelle, a program manager at Lockheed Martin Aerospace Company talks about how, even though she wants to move her life forward, the stress of her current job keeps her stuck. “It’s a hard question for me to ask because I’m in a place where I’m peak stressed.  It’s really hard to dream right now.” 

Michelle is a smart, learning-loving, ambitious woman, so feeling cut off from her dreams is not how she is used to operating.  As it turns out, Michelle is not the only one.  As a therapist for high-achieving professional women who struggle with anxiety, panic, and the impacts of past trauma, I have heard many powerhouse women express the same sentiment.  In a survey of women in the work force, almost half (48%) consider themselves ‘very ambitious’.  Unfortunately, many of those women also struggle with burnout and overwhelm.  In the poll, 56% of women said their mental health suffers from burnout at their job.  Check out more info on this poll (here).

So what do women want? 

When asked about their hopes and dreams, many driven ladies talk about their desire to have the freedom and power to make an impact.  As Katelyn, the Director of Operations at a farm and feed company in Iowa puts it, “I want to change the world, but <laughs> restfully.”  And these impacts are not only at work, but with family and personal lives as well.  For Michelle, Katelyn and many women like them, topmost in their list of goals is the desire to make time for the relationships that matter – with their partners, siblings, parents, friends and even their pets! Put simply, these women want the freedom to change the world, and invest in the relationships that matter most to them.

“I want the freedom to change the world and invest in the relationships that matter most.”

What Keeps You Stuck?

Even though high-achieving women may have an idea of what would help them, taking those actions can feel like too much.   The overwhelm of everything they are trying to juggle makes it feel virtually impossible.  Instead of having the freedom to dream and take big risks, women are stuck in the fight, flight, freeze of what’s right in front of them.  In speaking of making the strategic contacts that will help her achieve her goals, Michelle says, “I feel so stressed I don’t even want to contact this person.  I’m just spinning spinning spinning.  It’s hard for me to make that choice to get out of it… It’s really hard for me to plan a next step, even when the next step is something I want.” 

Sarah Mobley, a psychiatric nurse practitioner who specializes in working with women facing mental health struggles in the South Denver Metro, states, “The very essence of panic is the need for immediate relief. The now is overbearing. And so often what I hear is, ‘I just want it to stop. I want to be my old self.’ And that’s the goal. It doesn’t really extend past that, at least initially because they’re in fight or flight. And that has to be addressed first and foremost before additional interventions can really be implemented successfully.”

“I just want it to stop. I want to be my old self.”

Going after your big goals can feel virtually impossible when the threats of immediate stress and overwhelm leave no space for anything other than survival. 

The REAL hard work: facing your own enough-ness

On the face of it, the overwhelm of the immediate might be what people think is the primary barrier to creating the life of their dreams. And that makes sense.  Of course, when you are barely holding together your job, relationships, finances, and health, it doesn’t leave much room for anything that’s not right in front of you. But in reality, an even deeper block can keep you paralyzed. 

Pushing yourself to go after a goal that you have never achieved before brings you right up against your growth edge.  And why is riding this edge so dang uncomfortable?  Doubt.  You don’t have the learned experience of having been successful in this particular way before.  And thus, it’s risky!  It’s exciting!  It’s terrifying!  And to stay in that space of discomfort – to keep yourself on your growth edge long enough to do the strategic actions that will get you places – Is HARD. 

Our deepest hopes and dreams are closely tied to our sense of self, and thus our sense of worthiness.  Sometimes, though it’s hard to admit, women stay satisfied with ‘just okay’ because they are afraid to face the repeated questions that come up when riding their growth edge.  Taking your life by the horns and making the strategic actions required to create the life you want may sound wonderful (which it can be), but is also deeply risky.  That level of action constantly asks the question ‘Am I enough? Am I worthy enough, am I smart enough, am I good enough?’  And holding onto your sense of worthiness in the face of not-yet success is not only uncomfortable, it requires a lot of bandwidth!  Michelle says, “I come back to the not enough-ness. There’s so much about getting to the other side of that just to start the new journey <laugh>. You’ve got to overcome this huge Everest just to start your journey on your next Everest!”

Fortunately, with the right support, this Everest is scalable. In speaking with Jennifer Livingston, a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner in Littleton, Colorado, about the women who come into her office she says, “They’re looking for hope that they don’t have to live the rest of their life like this, that this isn’t forever, and that there are ways to address the situation in a meaningful way and move past this portion of time.”  When asked what assurance there is for struggling women, Jennifer says she tells her patients, “This will get better. We’ll be here with you until it does.”

This will get better.  We’ll be here with you until it does.

So what can you do about it?

Getting out from under the panic and stress you are facing is not an overnight endeavor, but here are some first steps to get you started. 

• • Talk with your space-holders:
    • • Space-holders are trusted people in your life who are good at being with you in the unsolved stuff.  Who is someone who listens without judging or giving unwanted advice?  Talking with a trusted person can help you start to see out of the fog of the immediate overwhelm. 

• • Block a leak (Set a boundary):
    • • Where is an area where you are over-spending time, $, or energy that is adding to your overwhelm? What is one way to set a limit on that leak? This might look like delegating a repeat task to someone else, letting your team know you are not available to take on another project, or lowering your expectations in an area, i.e. ‘I will do 80% on this and hand it in rather than making it perfect.’

• • Find a therapist:
    • • Therapy is a space where YOU get to be the focus, instead of you carrying everything for everyone else. You don’t have to battle the overwhelm, stress, and panic alone.  Finding a good-fit therapist can be the key to getting back to creating the life you truly want. 

The road to overcoming your Everest may not be easy, but it will be worth it. 

 

To find out more about the impacts of anxiety, panic, and trauma on high-achieving women, and what they can do about it, subscribe here for future posts and resources. 

To find out more about working with Alli, schedule a free phone consultation here.